Saying Goodbye
by happyday girl
Summary: Tag to 1x04- in the aftermath of Marsac's return and death, Aramis is sent reeling. Seeking comfort in wine he worries everyone with his behaviour...after a night of heavy drinking and snappy words, Athos follows him out. When he sees were he went, he resolves to help his old friend come to terms with everything. Major Angst, but also comfort. Please R&R


**Well I just can't keep away! This quite a long one, set in the aftermath of 1x04- The Good Solider.**

**Warning for angst and suicidal thoughts- enjoy!**

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><p>Athos pushed open the door of the tavern, taking off his hat and brushing his hair of the rain that was falling steadily outside. He looked around the crowd, taking in familiar faces...his eyes settled on three of them. Porthos was at the bar, smiling glibly at a barmaid, whilst d'Artagnan and Aramis were sat at their table,the former drinking heartily from a goblet of wine. Athos watched as his friend downed the liquid at once, before filling his goblet up once more.<p>

He crossed to Porthos, who was leaning up against the wooden surface; the two of them gave each other a nod, before Athos leant against the bar too. 'How many has he had so far?' He asked quietly, studying Aramis from a distance.

'Too much.' Porthos muttered with a sigh, 'I wouldn't mind it,but he's usually cheerful when he's drunk...'

'These past few days are catching up, I expect.' Athos returned, sighing himself. Porthos nodded his agreement, before he too turned to look.

'He ever speak to you about it?'

'The massacre? No. He always changed the subject when I brought it up, to something more cheerful.' Athos muttered, watching Aramis stare into his goblet and ignore d'Artagnan's attempts at conversation.

'We best go make sure everything's peachy, shouldn't we?' Porthos said, shaking his shoulders to brace himself.

'Yes, we better do.' Athos agreed, before they slowly walked to the table. Aramis looked up, shifting his leg off a chair so Athos could sit beside him.

'Save some wine for the rest of France, would you?' He joked, nodding his head at the near empty bottle.

'Or even me?' D'Artagnan pointed out with a sigh. 'Its like a desert in here.'

Both men Aramis ignored, and Athos sighed inwardly as he downed the rest of his wine and emptied the bottle completely. 'I can do...' He muttered before belching into his hand, '...what I like.'

'So you can- but we're worried about you.' Athos replied, quirking an eyebrow as Aramis put a hand up for more wine.

'Me?' Aramis turned to him, eyes red rimmed. 'Why would you be worried about little old me?'

'You know why.' Porthos said across the table. Aramis turned to him, a disbelieving look in his eyes. 'None of you bothered for five years, why all the fuss now?'

'Because you finally got what you wanted, but you're not handling it well!' D'Artagnan said, face pinched in worry.

Aramis leant an arm across the table, pointing a shaky finger in the young man's face. 'This doesn't concern you, boy.' He growled, voice slurring.

'Doesn't it?' D'Artagnan muttered, eyes dark- Porthos put a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head slightly.

'Not your fight...' He whispered, before sighing as Aramis snorted a laugh at them from across the table.

The wine came, but before Aramis could take it Athos pulled it towards him, a warning look in his eyes. 'Do you really want this?' He asked, voice low.

Aramis sat back, rolling his eyes, 'give it to me.'

'Do you really want it?' Athos repeated, fingers tracing the bottle label.

'Athos, I mean it- give it to me.' Aramis' voice had taken a dark turn. 'Now.'

'Your'e slurring your words, you look like you're going to fall down- you don't need another drop.'

'I can do what I damn well please!' Aramis growled, standing up- Athos could see he had been right by the way his friend swayed dangerously. Aramis clutched to the table, widening his eyes as two figures of Athos danced in his eyes.

'No more, mate.' Porthos muttered, a small understanding smile on his face.

'I can have what I want, without you two trying to be my parents!' Aramis growled, snatching the bottle from Athos' grasp. He teetered on the spot, breathing in deeply as his head swam.

'Mis, come on.' Athos muttered, irritation rising. 'Put it down.'

'No.' Aramis spat, before opening the cork and drinking it from the bottle itself. He looked down at his friends as he swallowed, wine dribbling down his chin.

'Are any of you going to stop me?' He asked, before barking out a laugh as three stony faces stared back.

'Fine.' He said shortly, before taking another long draft. 'Some fun you guys are.' He added, before pushing his chair back with a scrape and teetering to the door.

'Where are you going?' Athos called, resisting the urge to shout.

'Out. Anywhere... I don't care!' Aramis yelled back, almost walking into the door as he passed it- Athos watched as he walked in the dark and the rain.

'He's shown I side I never knew!' D'Artagnan muttered.

'He's not really like that.' Porthos replied, looking across to Athos. 'Is he?'

Athos wasn't looking at him; he was looking at the open door, and the rain that was being blown in by the strong winds.

'Athos?'

'I'm going to see where he went, he might get into trouble.' He muttered, standing up.

'He's probably staggering home.' D'Artagnan reasoned, but Athos shook his head.

'No...no he didn't look right.' He muttered, fixing his coat. 'I've never seen that look in his eyes before...he might do something stupid.'

'What? Aramis?' Porthos snorted.

'He's in the right frame of mind.' Athos replied, before heading to the door without another word, bracing himself for the rain as he scanned the streets for his friend.

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><p>He found him staggering through deserted, rain-clogged streets, his bottle of wine clutched in his hand- Athos slowed down, not wanting to interrupt; he could watch from afar to make sure he was ok. He watched as Aramis took another long draw, before he wiped his eyes as he passed shuttered up shops and stray cats.<p>

'Where are you going?' Athos whispered, knowing full well Aramis' rooms were in the opposite direction to where his friend was heading.

He debated whether to follow as Aramis continued his haphazard shuffling, almost walking into a stone wall as he went. If he were Aramis, he'd want to be alone. He'd want no one to follow him, to leave him be.

He slowed himself, shivering in the cold- Aramis had left without donning his cloak; he must be freezing, he thought. But he wasn't Aramis. Aramis was Aramis, and his friend needed someone.

He continued at a slow pace, comprehension suddenly dawning as a rumble of thunder sounded overhead. He sighed, now slowing to a complete stop outside the gates of the War memorial and cemetery. 'Oh 'Mis...' He muttered, sorrow falling into his stomach.

He waited for a few minutes, wanting to give Aramis as much time as he could to do whatever it was that he wanted.

He pushed open the metal gates, looking across the field by the Oak tree, to where twenty wooden crosses stood in the ground. His heart sank as he saw a lone figure, slumped on the ground beside them.

He crossed the sodden ground slowly, breathing in deeply as he watched the rise and fall of his friend's shoulders as Aramis sobbed silently in the rain.

'Aramis?' The man in question stiffened as he heard his name, but didn't look up. Athos frowned when he saw that he was fiddling with something in his hands; probably the wine bottle, empty by now he supposed.

'Are you alright?' Athos asked, before his eyes widened as he got a proper look at what he had in his hands. 'Aramis, put the blade down.' He ordered, making to reach for the dirk that he had in his palms- Aramis shook him away, turning away from him with a groan. The steady patter of rain on a leather jerkin was all that could be heard for a few minutes.

'Mis, please put it down.' Athos asked, before getting on his haunches at his side. 'Please?'

'Why not me?' The words were desperate, choked out.

'What?' Athos replied, before grasping Aramis' shoulder to turn him. 'What did you say?'

'Why not me?' Aramis repeated, turning his tear stained eyes to his friend, visible even through the rain casting down on both of them.

'I should be there, too...down in the earth.' He muttered, voice stark with emotion.

'Aramis...'

'Why didn't I fall too? They died, bloody and broken... Yet I lived!'

'You were meant to live, you-' Athos began, but Aramis' face turned ugly with a scowl.

'Do not talk to me about fate!' He growled, a fresh tear on his cheek. 'I don't believe in it- why was I permitted to survive, when all my friends were lost?' His voice cracked with emotion as he looked across at the rows of crosses, at his brothers, sleeping forever under the ground.

'Aramis come on, you're absolutely soaking-'

'Did I ever tell you what really happened?' The words were stark, thrown out.

Athos hesitated. 'Bits and pieces.' He muttered as a flash of lightning illuminated them. 'You never opened up about it.'

Aramis nodded slowly, eyes now at the dirk again- he ran his finger along the blade, hardly feeling the slice, nor the bead of warm blood trailing down his finger. 'I wouldn't have made it if Marsac hadn't told me to help him fix the fire while he went for a piss.' He looked up at Athos, a sad smile on his face.

'Can you believe it?' He asked, the rain running into his eyes, 'saved by a man who wanted to go for a piss.'

'Like I said, not your time to die.' Athos muttered, now kneeling on the ground to save his aching calves.

'Everyone says massacre, or battle, or skirmish...' Aramis continued, voice dark. 'But it wasn't. It was butchery.' He choked back a sob, before swigging again from the bottle.

'Blood ran like rivets on the ground, and my friends..._my brothers_-' he closed his eyes as tears overcame him again. Athos put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly.

'Slaughtered like pigs.' Aramis managed to get out. The dirk left his hand, settling on the wet ground between them.

'It sounds horrible, it really does.' Was all he could say.

'Horrible doesn't even begin to cover it. No word does.' Aramis muttered, face pale,teeth chattering in the cold.

'You all think I'm a happy go lucky, fun guy...' He continued, looking Athos square in the face, eyes meeting. 'Yet every night I go to sleep hearing their screams as they were killed.' His voice cut off abruptly as another sob broke through- he shook his head as Athos squeezed him shoulder again.

'And the nightmares...the _nightmares..._' He whispered, voice stretching with sorrow.

'Oh 'Mis... Why didn't you _tell_ anyone?' Athos muttered, looking at his friend's tortured face. 'You know either me or Porthos would have helped- we would have stayed up with you, anything to make you feel better.'

'I never wanted to be a burden.' Aramis replied simply, wiping his eyes. 'I replay that night nearly every time I go to sleep...trying to work out why I survived.' He added, before taking another gulp of wine.

Thunder crashed overhead once more, making Athos wince. 'I already told you- you survived to go on to become a great musketeer, a great friend.' He replied firmly, before turning Aramis' face as he turned away again. 'I mean it.' He said, eyes boring into the other man's.

'Perhaps.' Aramis muttered, bottom lip twitching. 'But they should be _here_. They had family, the same as I. They were musketeers, the same as I...why should I have survived?' His voice turned pleading, a tone that made Athos' heart break a little inside.

'Please, Aramis..let me take you home.'

'Five years ago I was ready to use this-' he interrupted, looking down at the blade, illuminated by the moon.

'Mis?' Athos muttered, hand poised to take it.

'I wanted to end it, to join my brothers in death...'

'I understand, but-'

'No. No you don't. I was a wreck- I drank too much as it became my crutch... I buried myself in women to cope, to hear them say my name, to hear them say they wanted me...to even say they loved me. Because I couldn't love myself...because I thought I should be dead.'

'Aramis-'

'But now...now I've found something to live for. I've got the company, with you and Porthos.' He looked across, smiling sadly at him. 'I have new brothers. Brothers I will not fail.'

'You didn't fail any of the others, Aramis!' Athos muttered, voice turning firm as his friend blanched, taken aback at the tone. 'Survival isn't failure! Living isn't defeat!' He grasped Aramis' jacket and shook it slightly.

'You deserved life, Aramis!' He growled, feeling tears spring in his own eyes as fresh tears ran down his freind's as he looked down, rather than meet his eyes, 'you deserve it all!'

'Why didn't they?!' His voice wavered.

'You cannot keep punishing yourself!' Athos choked out, before enveloping his friend in a rough embrace- Aramis let his head settle on his shoulder, and Athos did the same, closing his eyes as he felt the rise and fall of his shoulders once more. 'You must leave this behind you.' He whispered into his sodden hair, rubbing his back in slow circles.

'Can't...'

'Then you condemn yourself to a lifetime of misery.' He simply replied, smoothing down wet hair before sitting back up again. 'You can still feel it, but you must stop this self-destruction. It's been five years- have you ever said goodbye?'

'To my brothers?' Aramis sniffed, wiping red and puffy eyes. 'No...' He shook his head, casting his eyes back to the graves.

'Well stand up- now's your chance.'

They stood, with Athos holding his friend's shoulder to keep him steady as Aramis took a shuddering breath.

'Go on...closure, as little as it is, will let you let some things go.' He gently said, before staying silent as Aramis cleared his throat.

'My brothers...' He began, feeling tears prick in his eyes again. 'My brothers- I failed you, I know that. I've lived with it for years...I- I'm sorry-'

'Aramis- goodbye, not sorry.' Athos interrupted. 'You've apologised enough for a lifetime.'

Aramis swallowed a sob, and, nodding sadly, turned back to the rows of graves. 'My brothers,' he began again, voice slower and firmer. 'I have lived with that night for the last five years- it has weighed on my mind and in my soul. I can't do it any more, I can't.' He heaved in a breath. 'I have to say goodbye for my own sake, and for yours- you're probably tired of hearing my tears as much as I am.' He muttered- Athos tried hard not to snort.

He picked up the bottle of remaining wine- he smiled at it, before taking one more large gulp. He then poured it onto the sodden grass before dropping it on the floor.

'_The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.' _ Aramis recited the prayer, his voice dipping and wavering, but not slowing or stopping. He touched his chest with a shaky hand, bringing it to his forehead and lips. 'Goodbye, my brothers. Be at peace now- you have justice.'

'Come, Aramis- let's get you home.' Athos whispered, rubbing his back. Aramis nodded, and allowed himself to be lead along the grass, to the streets after it.

'Don't tell Porthos or d'Artagnan...' He whispered, voice hushed as if they were near. 'They would think me weak.'

'You really think that?'

'I would think it.'

'Aramis- who was it that threw themselves on the bomb to save the King and Queen, and us?'

'...me.'

'And who was it that fought me to give Porthos more time after he took the axe to his back?'

'It was me...'

'...who was it who kept going to uncover the truth, even when Treville cut you off?'

'I did.' A smile was dawning on Aramis's face- Athos stopped, wiping his wet face.

'Doesn't sound like the actions of a weak man to me.' He smiled, shrugging. 'Does it you?'

'No, I guess not.'

'No, so stop acting so childish.' Athos gently teased, before grasping his shoulder and squeezing. 'I think is time we turned in for the night- Treville will not be pleased if we show up late in the morning.

'I can handle him.' Aramis grinned, a spark appearing in his eyes once more as he returned the squeeze to his friend's shoulder. 'You're a true friend.' He smiled, voice now sincere.

'As are you.' Athos nodded, before he turned to head to his own rooms. 'Will you be ok to get home by yourself.'

'Of course- see you in the morrow!' Aramis said with a smile, before he turned and began staggering in the direction of his own bed. Perhaps tonight he'd be able to sleep peacefully...

'See you tomorrow.' Athos muttered as he watched him, before heading to his own rooms- perhaps tomorrow would be a brighter day, he thought. For all of them.

**Thanks for reading, I hope it was ok!**

**A.N- The prayer Aramis read was Isaiah 57:1-2**

**Please review, I'd love to know what you think!**

**X **


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